Climate Scientists Looking For New Scam
By Joe Schaefer
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Trump’s announcement on Thursday that the United States would officially withdraw from the Paris climate accord has thrown the international science community into upheaval, as thousands of atmospheric researchers are forced to search for new gullible superpowers to fleece out of billions in hoarded tax revenue and grant money.
“We’re still trying to figure out where it all went sideways, because this was a solid con,” said Dr. Kirill Kondratyev, who began his life of predatory grift work after acquiring a PhD in Hydroclimatology from MIT. “Decades of undercover work, mountains of peer reviewed data, and a vast conspiracy of political elites all blown open by Donald Trump and his plucky band of do-gooder industrialists.”
Short on cash and with nowhere to turn, some of the researchers have been forced to resort to legitimate scientific study.
Oceanographer László Makra told reporters that the United States withdraw, while a massive setback, has only hardened his resolve to exploit the developed world’s sense of self-preservation. “While it’s true I’m at the top of my field, I didn’t get into this racket to further human knowledge, I got into it for the easy shekels,” explained Makra. “There’s nothing in the scientific world as awe-inspiring as the look on a sucker’s face when you turn out his pockets.”
Makra revealed that the overwhelming majority of earth’s climate experts had already compiled a short list of naïve governmental bodies they could dupe with tales of ecological catastrophe.
“An extinction level meteor should play well as the next scheme,” said Makra. “But deep down we all know it’ll be nigh impossible to find a mark as juicy as the United States, with its fat treasury and bleeding-heart liberal populace.”