Jared Kushner Takes Don Jr to Quiet Glade
By Joe Schaefer
BEDMINSTER, NJ— A hush fell over the wooded area behind Trump National Golf Club as Jared Kushner lowered himself next to Don Jr., who sat hunched at the riverbed nervously picking bits of grass he found between the scattered rocks lining the water.
Don Jr. looked eagerly at his brother-in-law. “Go on, J…Jared. Ain’t you gonna give me hell for what I done?”
“No” said Jared.
“Well, I can go away,” said Don Jr. “I’ll go right off away from the White House and politics an’ find a cave if you and dad don’t want me.”
Jared shook himself again. “No,” he said. “I want you to stay with me here.”
Don Jr. said craftily — “Tell me like you done before.”
“Tell you what?”
“‘Bout the mainstream media and the Democrats an’ about us.”
Jared said, “Guys like CNN and the failing New York Times, they make up stories and attack us. They got nobody in America that gives a hoot in hell about ’em — ”
“But not us,” Don Jr. cried happily. “Tell about us now.”
Jared was quiet for a moment. “But not us,” he said.
“Because — ”
“Because I got billions of dollars an’ — ”
“An’ I got you. And I got Eric. And Ivanka and Uncle Hannity! Even Tiffany, although daddy says she’s not my real sister. We got each other, that’s what, that gives a hoot in hell about us,” Don Jr. cried in triumph.
The little evening breeze blew over the clearing and the leaves rustled and a furious email from a lawyer landed in a nearby inbox. And the shouts of Robert Mueller and his men sounded again, this time much closer than before.
Jared took off his hat. He said shakily, “Take off your hat, Don Jr. The air feels fine.”
Don Jr. removed his hat dutifully and laid it on the ground in front of him. The sound of ominous Twitter notifications came to them.
Don Jr. said, “Tell how it’s gonna be making America great again.”
Jared had been listening to the distant sounds of the independent counsel. For a moment he was business-like. “Look across the river, Don Jr., an’ I’ll tell you about making America great again so you can almost see it.”
Don Jr. turned his head and looked across the pool and up the darkening slopes of the Trump golf course. “America is going to be so great,” Jared began. He reached in his side pocket and brought out Steve Bannon’s .357 Magnum; he snapped off the safety and looked at the back of Don Jr.’s head, at the place where his slicked back hair laid against the artificial tan of his neck.
Robert Mueller’s voice called from up the river, and another man answered.
“Go on,” said Don Jr. “How it’s gonna be great? We gonna repeal Obamacare?”
“We’ll repeal Obamacare,” said Jared. “An’ we’ll defeat ISIS…an’ down the border we’ll build a giant wall — ”
“And dad will love me, ” Don Jr. shouted.
“And your dad will…yeah he’ll be there,” Jared repeated.
“And I get to be in charge of yelling ‘fake news’.”
“And you get to be the secretary of yelling ‘fake news’.”
Don Jr. giggled with happiness. “An’ I can put Hillary Clinton in jail.”
There were crashing footsteps in the brush now! Jared turned and looked towards them.
Don Jr. said, “I thought you was mad at me, Jared.”
“No,” said Jared. “No, Don Jr. I ain’t mad. I never been mad, an’ I ain’t now. That’s a thing I want ya to know.”
The sound of Mueller came close now. Jared raised the gun and listened to the voices.
Don Jr. begged, “Le’s do it now. Let’s make America great again now.”
“Sure, right now. I gotta. We gotta.”
And Jared raised the gun and steadied it, and he brought the muzzle of it close to the back of Don Jr.’s head.
[10 MINUTES LATER]
Jared placed the phone to his ear, “It’s done. I took care — ”
“Hey, did you also remember to grab me an Original Recipe Bucket from KFC?” Donald Trump interrupted.
Jared sighed. “Yes, sir. Although I keep telling you, we have junior staff who handle that.”
“I only trust you, Jared. I have tremendous trust in you. That’s why I send you on these important tasks. Now get back here. I’m starving!”