Neo-Nazi’s Hatred Becomes Nuanced

By Joe Schaefer

Arlington, VA —After sending in his DNA to be tested by popular genetics company 23andMe, local neo-Nazi Chad Vogal says he’s become significantly more conscientious of which groups he targets with his violent racial hostility.

Vogal told reporters his genome revealed common ancestry with a surprising number of ethnicities across the globe, forcing him to redefine both his own cultural identity and those he places at the center of a nefarious plot to control world banking.

“I realized how stupid and wrongheaded it is to hate indiscriminately,” mused the longtime skinhead. “Instead, I now have this handy map showing me which ethnic groups I can scientifically label ‘outsider’ and assume pose an existential threat to my way of life.”

In an effort to make amends with the racial communities he once vilified, Vogal has begun volunteering his time in the inner city: tutoring, coaching sports, and indoctrinating children into an ideology based on hating those with whom you share no direct maternal lineage.

Vogal says the revelation has also inspired a newfound interest in cultural study. “A week ago I didn’t even know the Karakalpac people existed, and now I can’t stop talking about them, mostly via epithet-laden smear campaigns on Twitter.”

Not everyone has been as willing to accept Vogal’s diverse genealogical past as he has. “At rallies I’ve changed my chant from ‘White is right’ to ‘A mélange of races excluding most of Central Asia and the Pacific Islands is ideal’,” explained Vogal. “Some in the neo-Nazi community are complaining that it’s complicated, but you know what? So are we humans.”

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