New Fitbit for Addicts

By Joe Schaefer

SAN FRANCISCO — Looking to capture an untapped demographic in the highly competitive wearable tech market, Fitbit today unveiled a new line of addict-focused devices which track emotional fitness metrics such as progress through twelve-step recovery programs.

The Fitbit Higher Power boasts sophisticated new sensors which detect the amount of heart put into fearless moral inventories and daily amends. Patented “Touch Technology” also recognizes touching moments of reconciliation with alienated loved ones.

When synced to their smartphones, users can access a dashboard showing the route, pace, distance away from rock bottom.

The release follows an industry-wide plateau in activity tracker ownership. “Addicts are one of the fastest growing groups in the US,” explained Tim Rosa, Fitbit vice-president of global marketing. “They’re also voracious consumers that are fiercely loyal to the products they enjoy.”

The engineers behind the Fitbit HP say the tracker’s sleek, low-profile design wraps comfortably around the wrist, unlike the smothering grip of substance dependency which rears its ugly head in every sabotaged relationship and professional meltdown.

“Why take recovery one day at a time?” asked Rosa. “With Fitbit HP you can measure it down to the second.”

Read more.