Parents Warn Troubled Teen On Internet Stardom

by Joe Schaefer

WICHITA, KS —Pointing to a string of disciplinary problems at home and with police, the parents of 13-year-old Natasha Moretti say they issued a sober warning to their daughter today that unless she halted her increasingly outrageous behavior, the troubled teen would almost certainly end up a social media superstar.

“Is all you want attention?” asked Natasha’s mother, Beth Moretti. “Because if it is, believe you me, millions of onlookers hungry for guilty entertainment will hang on your every self-destructive tantrum!”

Father Gary Moretti told reporters he’s taken a “tough love” approach to the intervention, laying out in graphic detail what awaits his daughter if she continues down the path to widespread internet celebrity.

“I threatened to kick her out of the house,” vented Mr. Moretti. “We’ll see how Natasha likes being left all alone with her massive subscription base and lucrative sponsorship deals.”

Arthur Bathurt, an administrator at Robinson Middle School where Natasha attends the 8th grade, explained that the Morettis’ situation was not uncommon.

“I see this type of wild, unhinged behavior with my own eyes all the time,” explained the vice-principal. “Mostly on Instagram during my break period.”