Study shows hell disproportionately white


By Gus Tate.

CIRCLE 9, HELL—A report released yesterday by the ACLU found an overwhelmingly disproportionate number of Hell’s permanent inmates are white, sparking controversy and accusations of racial bias in the divine justice system.

Despite Europeans and their descendants comprising only 17.3% of the global living population, the report found the same demographic accounts for more than 87% of the eternally damned.

“I think any allegation of racial discrimination is, frankly, insulting,” said Bolgror the Flesh Eater, a mid-level demon in Circle 9. “White people just commit more sins. It’s as simple as that.”

Another tormentor, who asked to remain anonymous, says things are more complicated.

“Mass damnation of white souls has been a problem for centuries,” said the hell-beast while stirring a vat filled with boiling acid and screaming adulterers. “God says he’s just being ‘tough on sin,’ but we all know his judgments aren’t color-blind. I mean, he sees everything. So, you do the math.”

One of the report’s co-authors says the problem is self-perpetuating: whites are more likely to grow up in environments that encourage sinning.

“We’re setting white kids up to fail,” said Trevor Holstein of the ACLU. “We’re putting them in high-income housing and giving them trust funds and unchecked privilege. Most of them have committed at least 5 of the 7 deadlies before they even learn to drive.”