Swedish Fish Found Tainted With Dolphin Meat

By Gus Tate

WARWICK, RI — Marine wildlife authorities have launched a full-scale investigation into Swedish Fishing practices after a consumer discovered traces of dolphin meat inside her family size bag of Swedish Fish.

“I thought something tasted off, but couldn’t quite put my finger on it,” said stay-at-home mother Dolores Cranston, 49. “That’s when I noticed the rancid head of a bottlenose dolphin poking out of the bag. I almost had to throw the whole thing out.”

The Association of Swedish Fishermen released a statement yesterday apologizing to Cranston and other svedepescatarians for the mishap, but declined to accept total responsibility.

“Any dorsal fin, flipper, or head that makes it all the way into the bag is, of course, regrettable,” read the statement. “But these things happen on the open Swedish seas where we trawl for Fish. Frankly, it’s out of our hands if a wild dolphin or two gets sucked in with the Red Dye #40.”

A representative from the World Wildlife Fund says the incident is not the first sign of malpractice coming out of the world’s Swedish Fisheries, saying massive Swedish overFishing has plagued the industry for decades. The WWF urges consumers to choose a sustainable alternative like farmed Swedish Fish, which is certified humane by the Academy of Swedish Ichthyology.