Illuminati Unveils Fun New Logo


By Joe Schaefer

ATLANTIS, AO — Looking to rejuvenate its image for a modern generation, the Illuminati announced this week it will be launching a brand refresh, including an overhaul of its logo they say better aligns with the new direction the conspiratorial organization will take in its ongoing plot to achieve world domination.

“We needed something bolder and more innovative to kick off this new chapter,” explained Illuminati spokesman and noted reptilian George Soros. “A brand identity that takes ‘shadowy cabal with a stranglehold over civilization’ and cranks up the volume.”

OpenThink Studios, the San Francisco-based marketing agency in charge of the revamp, emphasized logo design as the key to connecting the Illuminati with the human livestock they attempt to subjugate.

“It was time to retire the dusty old eye in the pyramid,” said brand manager Phoebe Yates. “That’s why we developed Lumi, our playful new mascot — he’s hip, he’s impulsive. One moment he’s monitoring your movement via extralegal mass surveillance, the next he’s cracking a six-pack of microbrewed IPA. He’s the perfect synthesis of attitude and paranoia.”

“It’s true we’re an elder race of shape-shifting lizard people who’ve infiltrated decision making positions in government,” admitted Soros while motioning to photos of various world leaders pinned to a nearby board, “but we’re also a passionate group of folks devoted to sharing our story with those we mentally enslave.”

Despite the retooling, Soros was quick to assure reporters the Illuminati would still maintain its core values and sense of history. “It’s a serious facelift,” Soros clarified, “but deep down we’re still going to be the same faction of masterminds your grandfather was subconsciously subservient to.”

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