Nicknameless Freshman Waits With Excitement


By Joe Schaefer

HAMPDEN, ME — Grandview High School student Ralph Jones says he is eagerly awaiting the humiliating incident or public fuck-up that will land him the catchy nickname he’ll be branded with until attending college in another state.

Jones told reporters not having a nickname has left him without a social identity, giving local upperclassman only generic insults to lob at the freshman while viciously beating him in an abandoned field house behind the school cafeteria.

“I get a lot of boilerplate cracks like ‘dickless’ and ‘fuckstick’”, explained Jones while retrieving his underwear from a nearby tree. “Honestly, what’s infinitely more painful than the atomic wedgies and pink bellies is realizing they have no idea who they’re hazing.”

A recent study by education experts found the average US student is indelibly marked by embarrassment by age 11. Jones, who is 15, is lagging behind his peers, a majority of whom have already adjusted to the personalized monikers highlighting their shortcomings and physical defects.

Fellow third-period study hall attendee Patrick “Ballsack” Wallzak refuted that responsibility for the delay rested solely on Jones’ classmates.

“It’s a poor craftsman that blames his tools,” admitted Wallzak. “But come on, ‘Jones’? Good luck making a nickname stick with that lump of coal. Now, Wallzak on the other hand, that’s a real beaut. My fate was sealed the day I entered Kindergarten.”

Guidance counselor Edd Grouse urged patience, stating the rhyming potential was there and that the malicious labels would come in due time.

“It’s important to let children at this age work out their issues naturally. These boys are going through hormonal changes,” assured Grouse. “Just wait — one untimely erection and he’ll be ‘Bones’ until graduation.”

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